the dark side

As a priori determined, Love is an act of sheer selfishness.  We tend to think of it as something humbling, something that creates altruistic beings who sacrifice their own happiness for others. But that is all a cover-up.

Love is about boosting your ego. It's about finding the perfect reflection of you mirrored in the face of somebody else. Love is thus pure narcissism. You fall in love with the constructed image of yourself, as seen by another person.

Of course, they don't write songs about that...

Now, jealousy is allegedly the dark side of love. The black sheep of the romantic family.

But once you realize the origin of love, jealousy is only the next logical step.

Jealousy is to Love what protectionism is to international trade:

Bad for Business, yet inevitable as sometimes it appears to be the only alternative.

blogging in a thunderstorm.

I am  not your anchor
so dont hold on
im not the answer, you got me wrong
I am not the savior
to find out who you are


I have come to terms with the situation at hand.
With coming to terms I refer to reconciliating with conflicting emotions.

You may even say controlling my inner turmoil, just to use one of my favourite expressions.
Controlling has become an obsession. Goes by autopilot by now.
Come close to the entrance and my defense mechanisms kick in right away.
Are you emotional? My irony will cure it.
Feeling weak? I'll make a joke on your expense.
Don't mistake these psychological defects for arrogance.
They're my safety net.

ee cummings.

all which isnt't singing is mere talking
and all talking's talking to oneself
(whether that oneself be sought or
seeking master or disciple, sheep or wolf)

gush to it as deity or devil
-toss in sobs and reasons, threats and smiles
name it cruel, fair, blessed or evil-
it is you (he, I) nobody else

drive dumb mankind dizzy with haranguing
- you are deafened every mother's son-
all is merely talk which isn't sining
and all talking's to oneself alone

but the very song of (as mountains feel
and lovers) singing is silence.

color en las pestañas (Independently Happy)

Ella se ha cansado de tirar la toalla
se va quitando poco a poco telarañas
no ha dormido esta noche pero no esta cansada
no mira ningún espejo pero se siente to' guapa

Hoy ella sa puesto color en las pestañas
hoy le gusta su sonrisa, no se siente una extraña
hoy sueña lo que quiere sin preocuparse por nada
hoy es una mujer que se da cuenta de su alma

Hoy vas a descubrir que el mundo es solo para ti
que nadie puede hacerte daño, nadie puede hacerte daño
Hoy vas a comprender
que el miedo se puede romper con un solo portazo.
Hoy vas a conseguir
reirte hasta de ti y ver que lo has logrado que...

Hoy vas a ser la mujer
que te dé la gana de ser
Hoy te vas a querer
como nadie ta sabio querer
Hoy vas a mirar pa'lante
que pa atrás ya te doy ya bastante
una mujer valiente, una mujer sonriente
mira como pasa

(no) holes inside

when people say "It's like a dream come true",
I've always sighed on the inside in my cynical little bubble,
thinking slightly bitter thoughts to myself.

Now I find myself on the verge of a dream
knowing it will come true,
if only for a little while.
For two months I will get up in the morning, eat my breakfast, dress up
and go to work at the United Nations International Centre in Vienna.
No matter how many times I repeat it...
it doesn't seem to be real.

/if you hold tight
shadows will be lost in the light
cause sometimes
fate and your dreams may collide/

make love- nothing else.

Spent the whole morning in the park with Lurven, reading García Marquez and talking to myself in Spanish.
Was filled with such an overwhelming sense of harmony and senseless happiness.
is this what it feels like when the jigsaw falls into place?

two wrongs make a right?

what do you say to taking chances,
what do you say to jumping off the edge?
never know when and if there's solid ground below
a hand to hold, or hell to pay..
- what do you say?

Lately I am becoming increasingly aware of the thousand of small paths that have lead me up to this point.
some are mistakes, failures and just things that were really meant to go another way.
Instead they were brought together in the mixer that is my life
migling with the success, the serendipity and the meaning.
This ever-so-present meaning.

All things are so vulnerable, hanging on to a spiderweb
cautiously claiming their right to be there.
and relationships to the people around us
are really nothing but coincidences, incidents- accidents!
Some are more fortunate than others
but in the end we must acknowledge their magical power
If I had been sick that day I would have never sat down next to her.
Had I not been so upset with someome else I would have never thought to talk to you.
Arriving 3 hours later to a certain destination would have prevented me from ever laying eyes on him.

This is the kind of realization that makes you go crazy.
If all the happy coincidences are really brought about by the failures
does that mean that vice versa is also true?
Will all our good will lead to devastation?

- Karma?

/your heart is an empty room/

Death Cab For Cutie reminds me of other times.
Other obsessions.
Same, same.

Just a few days ago a clever friend told me that it really is true that the minute you stop trying;
things just fall into places, what you were waiting for will come to you.
I must admit, I don't really fave faith in these kind of sayings
repeated ad infinitum until they no longer require motivation.
(it's just like that. - why?? - it always has been)
But today something did sort of fall right into my lap
that I had long since discarded even as a blueprint.

does this apply to all areas of life?
Cause God knows some things are easier to giveup on
than others...

my life as a cake?


when something is missing and you can't quite pinpoint it.
It is usually acceptance.
See, very often we do know deep down what things are like.
be they feelings, situations or reactions.
We just don't want to accept them.
- or worse- we simply cannot.

but sometimes the only way is to realize that things can't be pushed.
everything cannot be changed or triggered
we must accept them for the way they are.

This is what I mean with turning your Nowhere into Somewhere
even if I was not the one to write it first.
Jeanette Winterson may have had something different in mind all together
but I am sure she would agree that there is nothing
except for subjective interpretation.

the place where you are may not be the one you intended or originally whished for,
so you must see it for what it is and find out what you can do with it.
Use the essence and create something different.
If you can't get the whole cake,
- make sure you get a good bite out of it.

milan kundera

(...)suddenly he realized that all his life he had done nothing but talk, write, conoct sentences, search for formulations and amend them so that in the end no words were precise, their meanings were obliterated, their content lost, they turned into trash, chaff, dust, sand; prowling through his brain, tearing at his head, they were his insomnia, his illness (..)


Si, vai via,senza di me,
tu vai via,non puoi aspettare tanto tempo inutile,
e cosi tu vai solo via,
sii che vai via,ma che freddo fa se tu vai via,
non vuoi aspettare neanche il tempo utile,
perchè da me lo so si va soltanto

previous motives vs. current affairs

thanks to a 'pain-in-the-butt'-economics course that is still haunting me,
I have discovered my newest idol.
Thomas L. Friedman.
With a bachelor degree in Mediterranean Studies, a master in Oriental studies
and a working carreer as a correspondent in the Middle East, journalist for the New York Times and author of several ground-breaking books; he is somebody I would like to buy a cup of cappuccino and listen to while he tells me about his life.

Could not help but ordering all of his books and now I can't wait til they turn up in my post-box.
I am finding my place.
Won't let anything break my grounds.

..all the other options held before me whiter in the light of my plan..
finding all my previous motives..growing increasingly unclear..


I have always found it strange how places get you in a certain mood.
Now, being back in Oslo I find myself thinking the same thoughts as I did last year.
Even though it is blatantly clear to me how much things have changed since then.
How much I have changed.
I think you need to realize that you are reiterating in order to understand that it is time to change.
Most of my life I never questioned why I was doing things and where I was going.
I guess those times are over and now it is all about finding the point of it all.
The important thing is to find the meaning.

- and change the story?


...and as she runs away she fears she won't be followed.
- what could be worse than leaving something behind?

glazed and amused

How do people in tropical countries get anything done?
All my mind is capable of focusing on is 1) drinking 2) the heat.THE HEAT! 3) the will to take my clothes off
Now these things can be a problem if you work in an office with a dress-code in which the air condition is not working.
Luckily, mine is a beverage producing company, so drinks are never scarse.
But as for the rest, there is nothing to be done.

Now you might say I shouldnt be so swedish and complain about everything, which probably is true. When do we ever get heat and sunshine up here anyway? It just caught us off guard, that's all. And I dare not hope that we will have time to get used to it....

Seing as being away from my usual habitat seems to have brought me off my usual philosophical rut.
That is probably also due to the heat.
There simply is no energy left to fuel any kind of cerebral activity, let alone sentimentalism or games of the mind.
However, that does not mean I am not still thinking about them.
Just in a more dazed and confused manner of thinking.

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