On cup-cakes..

life is not a formula
and love is not a recipe.
The same ingredients cook up differently every time.

I wouldn't want life to be bullet-proof. Wouldnt like it if my actions always had the same outcome.
How awful if love was a recipe!
Perfectly predictably sized cup-cakes.Chocolate chip and cream-cheese icing.
But sometimes it would be nice if logic, intelligence and analysis were any help at all.

Sometimes I just wish all the recipes would leave me out of the list of ingredients.

Horror Vacui

Ni vill ha allt och tillfredsställa alla.
Ni lider av en gränslös självöverskattning parad med ett avgrundsdjupt förakt för era verkliga egenskaper.
Ni är den mest förslavade människa jag nånsin stött på. Ni är slav under er idealbild. Ni kanske inte alls är riddare. Allt ni har gjort har relaterats till denna önskedröm.  Allt fick sin mening från denna verksamhet- som varit illusorisk. Ni lever drömmen om att vara riddare. Den drömmen förstör ert liv. Allt var förgäves om det inte tjänade ert hemliga kall. Vad vill ni leva? Vem är ni om ni inte lever det liv ni har levat?
- Allt trängs i mig. Jag ordnar det. Det störtar.

/Ulf Peter Hallberg

Che cosa più di me?

lo sai, tu mi hai messo nei guai
i miei occhi sono isole dove non viaggi mai
bravo, forse piu di me
ad ingannarmi senza maschera
ed io a fidarmi di te
è durato un flash
mi ero illusa di noi
Ma con l'instinto di una donna
Oggi so chi sei
non è giusto farne un dramma
tanto so che sei
un gioco che non vinco mai
il vuoto sotto i passi miei
sei il mio sbaglio piu grande
ma che rifarei
Mi contraddico coi miei baci ma è così
spegni tutte le luci e va da se che sono persa di te

Attenzione... It might behead you!!!

Perspective changes, situations alter.... (finding all my previous motives..growing increasingly unclear)
The most important thing is to keep the faith in yourself.
If everybody else thinks you are going the wrong way, it does not mean they are more right than you.
When people make you doubt yourself, it means you chose the wrong ones to listen to...

Newly gathered strength and focus.
Hopefully good intentions will bring good things
(...to good people?)
applications, cover letters and dreams of my future.
I am going to make it
I AM going to make it
I am GOING to make it
I am going to MAKE IT!
How's that for putting my foot down?

As for other minor constituents in the polyvalent junkyard of my mind...
- just a little bit of history repeating.
What did you think, anyway?

nihilism / interpretivism

There is only the road that you must travel
And if it leads nowhere?
- turn your nowhere into somewhere.

I am looking for the meaning in the data.
That's why I thrawl my screen like a beachcomber.

Lately I find myself increasingly quoting the words of others.
Higly disturbing for a word-nerd like me.
I guess it is due largely to my current confused state of mind.
I could fill the blank spaces with a lot of complex words that mean nothing.
After all I'm a political scientist in the making.

But I am tired of saying things without meaning.
and I am tired of the lack of meaning.

maybe the end is the beginning?

Perhaps there is truth only in complete and abiding love, or else in openly animal sensuality,
that runs its course in its immediate satisfaction,
without kidding itself or others that there is anything else,
 while the vast range of intermediate gradations in amorous relationships
- a typical human invention-
is very often just a series of falsehoods and acts of violence tarted up with sentimental kitsch.

/Claudio Magris

~~~~~~~~~~I wonder ~~~~~~~~~~~~

- If he broke her...where would the pieces fly?

vita da svensson svensson (aka anything but ordinary)

why must everyone be put in social categories and how come normally intelligent people feel the need to warn me not to deviate from this socially constructed pattern of the average modern person's life-span?
What if I want to go another way? - The road not taken?
Then what?

God forbid anyone should have other ideas of what life is all about or priorities that differ from the well-established ones.

Can't help dreaming about another world.
La vie bohémè.
Freedom, beauty, truth and love?
If you must judge me, then at least be honest with yourself. What is it you are striving towards?

song of the day

// Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this //

Glühwein (a.k.a. how to lose a Saturday Night)

note to self (and the rest of the world):
Do not heat red wine in microwave.
And if you must do so, do not spike it with lemon-extract.

Paulo Coelho

Allt säger mig att jag är på väg att fatta ett galet beslut,
men det galna är ett sätt att handla.
Vad förväntar sig världen av mig?
Att jag inte ska ta några risker?
Att jag ska återvända dit jag kommer ifrån,
utan att våga säga ja till livet?
Ibland får man inte någon andra chans
och därför är det bäst att ta emot det som världen erbjuder en.
Om jag måste vara trogen mot någon eller något
ska jag i första hand vara det mot mig själv.

I am a message

Sometimes people see right through you and it is scary and exciting at the same time.
There are some who are so scared to show their inner core that they do almost anything to hide it; but I have always been the opposite. Dying for someone to discover my insides. Not wanting to show it, but waiting for someone to see it anyway. To look at me and see the things I am not telling anybody.

It happens when you least expect it and that is really the beauty of it. It never happens when you try to provoke it. Casually flashing your soul never amounts to anything except embarassment, regret and insecurity. It is when a connection is made in all innocence that it really matters. And it is there the real danger lies. I am on thin ice. And spring is coming..

Jeanette Winterson puts it nicely as she always does;

I am a message
you changed the meaning
I am a map that you re-draw

it is not mystery it is the obstinacy, the holding out for a hero, the vain hope to be swept off my feet.
It is not mystery it is fear, hope and doubt all mixed together to weirdness. Yes, that's what it is. It is not mystery it is weirdness.

And I am a big sucker for whatever is weird.

..flashing the soul...

...pero lo dudo.

All the drama for nothing. Attention for attention's sake. Parallell worlds- castles in the air and 'What If?s'.
There is really no need for explanations, elaborations, excuses. Things are the way they are for a reason.

Sometimes I choose my fantasyworld on purpose. I deliberately overlook obvious obstacles and I do not pay attention to the road signs. Try to avoid looking in the rear -view mirror, but sometimes I sneak a peek, just to make sure I stay on the road. At some point, though, you have to stop the car. To refuel or stock up on munchies. And that's when it happens. No longer protected by the verosimile bubble, reality comes back to bite you in the ass. I must say that my ass is kind of bruised and sore right now. Literally and not.

dudo que te pase igual con él

sophia betyder vishet


Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

شعر , شعر , شعر , شعر , شعر

Brain capacity is an interesting thing. It is amazing to discover that your brain is just meant to learn certain things, while you may repeat others ad infinitum and they still will never fully stick. If we compare trade theory formulas with Arabic, for example. Two things that are completely new to me, without any precedent experience in either of the areas. They might be seen as two sets of codes that must be broken in order to understand them, so one could be led to think that it is the same side of the logical brain that is at work. So why is it then, that it is impossible for me to learn a lambda-equation, but I am able to actually construct words in a language system so completely different from my own, after only a few sessions practise?

I am going to have to face it sooner or later; I am a born linguist. What am I going to do about that? The great thing with language is that once you understand it, a whole new world opens up and it is almost like taking a step into another narrative. I am sorry Smith and Keynes, but economics just does not possess that quality.

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