gaspillage du temps

Your most marked characteristic?
unnecessarily helpful

- The quality you most like in a man?
Sense of humor & intelligence

- The quality you most like in a woman?
female solidarity

- What do you most value in your friends?
that they love me in spite of all my weirdness

- What is your principle defect?
over-analyzing & unmotivated shyness

- What is your favorite occupation?
reading, writing & dancing

- What is your dream of happiness?
love, friendship and self-realization all mixed up

- What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
losing someone that I love

- What would you like to be?
a writer, a philosopher, a bohemian

- In what country would you like to live?
a little bit of everywhere. At least once...

- What is your favorite color?

- What is your favorite flower?

- What is your favorite bird?

- Who are your favorite prose writers?
Jeanette Winterson, Zadie Smith, Arundhati Roy, Paulo Coelho, Tiziano Terzani etc etc etc

- Who are your favoite poets?
EE Cummings, Robert Frost, Pablo Neruda

- Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Marian McAlpin in 'The Edible Woman 'by Margaret Atwood

- Who are your favorite musicians?
Radiohead, Chambao, Foo Fighters, Muse, Vasco Rossi, Manu Chao, Alanis Morissette,
Negramaro, Porcupine Tree, Darren Hayes, Queen, Pink Floyd ETCETC!!!

- Who are your favorite painters?
Sandro Botticelli, Edvard Munch, Salvador Dalí

- Who are your heroes in real life?
Humanitarian aid workers and people who follow their dreams

- What is it you most dislike?
Ignorance and unmotivated violence

- What historical figures do you most despise?
Hitler, Pol Pot, Idi Amin and all other shameless dictators that killed for their personal benefit

- What reform do you most admire?
Universal franchise

- What natural gift would you most like to possess?
mathematic skills

- How would you like to die?
in my sleep after a long, fully lived life.

- What is your present state of mind?
a state of complete and utter inertia

- What is your motto?
be yourself; face your fears and live your dreams!

for sale

passion is the word of the day.

After several wonderful hours of over-eating Lebanese meze (which by definition must be over-ate), discussing more or less relevant topics (the middle east, why chinese people have small eyes, why men are so illogical, what is wrong with the world etc, etc) it is time for a break and reflection.

What is passion anyway if not desperation? The feeling of "must-have-must-have-now" but with another person?
So technically it can only work as long as you want it and do not have it. Passion must not be tamed, or it cannot remain passion.

And what if we throw some attraction into the equation?(mi travolge, mi sconvolgi, scappi via)
are these just the things we keep ourselves busy with? Things to keep us from being bored, or from getting stuck in the tedium vitae of everyday? Something to boost your self-esteem with, a vitamine-kick? a glass of passion with a twist of attraction is bound to make your life just a little more interesting...


"the most outstanding quality of mankind is that we are intelligent enough to understand what we should do, but stupid enough to do the exact opposite in most cases"

I definitely know what I should do. And thus what I probably will end up doing....

se vende pasión?

(non vuoi aspettare neanche il tempo utile)


dimmi a che serve restare
lontano in silenzio a guardare
la nostra passione che muore in un angolo
e... non sa di noi.

What goes around comes around

me engañaron
una vez más y ahora
me lo hago sola

està bien equivocado que le falta la ambición para calmar el ansia

A lot of people tell me that with me they can be themselves entirely, without restrictions or boundaries. I usually take this as a very nice compliment, but I have reflected upon it and the only plausible conclusion must be that I am so weird that nobody ever has to feel strange in my company; no matter how they behave. I am sure this must be an immense relief for some people who have walked their whole lives in the world of well-behaved, impeccable people who always sit with their knees tight together, and wear black and grey as to not disturb the world with their presence.

I am not like that. I don't think I am controversial, I am just who I am. I believe there's no point in being at all, if you try to be somebody else, or behave like other people want you to behave. No point in wearing a grey sweater just to fit in, when instead you can wear red, orange and green and make the world a little more colorful- a little more happy!

On an entirely different note; 
No man is an island, entire of itself.
It is interesting the things we do as to not end up alone. How we surround ourselves with things, relationships, emotions so that we don't perish alone at sea. The things we hold on to and that we allow to hold us down. They anchor us, keep us in place, keep us in our place.

Something I've been thinking about is relationships of all kinds. Friendship, lovers, boyfriends & girlfriends.
How do we choose these people that we agree to let inside our lives? And what makes the difference between a lover and a friend? If we look at it from a very pragmatic point of view... friends usually are there for us at all times. They accept us exactly the way we are and they want to protect us from those who try to hurt us. Well, those who hurt us turn out to be, more often or not- the ones we choose for lovers. So what to make of this strange human behavioral pattern?
Are we just destructive, or is the hope of finding that one person that would never hurt you just stronger?
And why don't we just settle for great friends that don't want to judge or change us? Why is it so important to find that other undefinable thing to justify our existence? Is it vanity? Ego-centricity or pure naïvité?

please forgive me if I seem naïve...

I don't always rush in like this
Twenty seconds after saying hello
Telling strangers I'm too good to miss
If I'm wrong I hope you'll tell me so
But you really should know, I'd be good for you
I'd be surprisingly good for you


Please go on, you enthrall me
I can understand you perfectly
And I like what I hear, what I see, and knowing me
I would be good for you too

good old self-discipline

I suppose today should be all about the solstice or Newroz or other such worldy important events, but I am afraid I have no time to concern myself with such issues. So I leave it up to others to talk about that while I rant on about my own business.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I am suffering from some weird psychological defect when it comes to self-discipline. It is something related to perfectionism, yet in a strange kind of opposition to that.
I like to plan things thoroughly, step by step, to achieve perfection. This usually means that when I'm decided to do something I push it all the way and perhaps go a little overboard. However, it also means that if something along the way goes wrong I cannot keep going. Then the flow is broken and there's no way I am getting back on track.
This is an incredibly annoying feature of my personality as it makes me end up in a negative spiral more often than not.

Allow me to provide you with some examples. I decide to start going to the gym. I thus have two possible scenarios ahead of me; I either become a gym-aholic, spending all my free-time at the gym to the extent that I neglect other activities in favor of working out OR I start out going to the gym like the average Jane Doe and once I miss one scheduled session it is all down-hill and in the end I manage to drag my lazy ass to the gym only once a week if I am lucky.
To make sure you follow me, let's take a look at another possibility. I decide to study really really hard. Either I bury myself in studies, stop going to the gym, stop going out and literally MOVE to the library in order to immerge myself in studies OR I begin to be a good student, but then something happens and I fall behind, perhaps miss a class, forget an assignment which inevitably breaks the flow. Next thing I know I am avoiding exercise sessions on purpose, forgetting to buy course literature and being a generally reckless student.

The psychological reasons behind this behavior are hard to explain to a person with normal discipline functions. Something in my head tells me that unless true perfection can be achieved it is not worth the effort. It really is a All or Nothing kind of rationale. I guess I must be truly thankful that I've got a well-functioning metabolism or I would be suffering from enormous obesity....!

the rise and fall of ambition (aka LA MAREA degli studi)

Well, I think it is time for me to accept and embrace my own destiny. I am not a surgeant and I will never be. I don't possess the capability to perform operations on myself and the risk is close to 0 that I will ever cut something off.
Just to get everything straight.

Exam period is upon us and people are running around like chickens without heads, round and round in circles.
Me, I am the same. Doing nothing while I should be doing everything. Or the other way around but all the wrong things.
During exams periods I develop new interest for all that is not related to my subjects. Vacuum-cleaning, watching TV, Spanish poetry or just personal philosophy. It is hard to describe but these new interest threaten to devour all my wake time, leaving much less than the amount of time needed to do all the things necessary. Another interesting new hobby of mine is to make lists of all the things I am going to do after the exams are over. By now these lists are covering most of the floor. Such dazzling example of ambition.....

If only I wasn't aware of the fact that in about 2 months the same pattern will be repeating itself ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

stella always helps with ambition...


removing the infection, preventing it from poisoning what is left. I should have done this a long time ago. But the proverbial hope that never dies...well it kept living! Enough is enough, though. And now I've made up my mind to soffocate the hope with my own hands. Going to take that pillow and put it to sleep peacefully but with determination.

ps. I'm thinking of you in my sleep. they're not good thoughts. The worst kind of bad.ds

att vara kvinnan som spegeln reflekterar

"Vad är det du vill?
Du kan inte vilja vara lycklig, för det är lätt och dessutom tråkigt.
Du kan inte bara vilja älska, för det är omöjligt.
Så vad är det du vill?
Du vill rättfärdiga ditt liv- leva det så intensivt som möjligt.
Det är både en fälla och ett rus.
Försök vara vaksam mot faran och lev din glädje;
- äventyret att vara kvinnan bakom bilden som spegeln reflekterar."

/Paulo Coelho

- Je vais prendre ta doleur- (encore, otra vez)

inventerai, che non è tempo, inventerai che tutto è spento
che ora ti ami un po' di più
inventerai che ora sei forte, e chiuderai tutte le porte

dulceacido, AGRODOLCE or bittersweet?

Cierro los ojos y el alma
Para no ser vulnerable
Para no hundirme en la inmensa
Prolongación del engaño

The most interesting thing just struck me. Today is Friday the 13th, a day which for some irrational reason is related to bad luck and random superstition. Usually this is not a very recurring event, but it just so happens that exactly one month ago another Friday 13th brought strange and unexpected events into my life.
Events that lately are resurfacing and causing a certain inner turmoil, albeit of the more positive kind.
I am thinking this whole friday the 13th thing is just misunderstood. Why is 3 a lucky number but 13 is bad luck? The number 12 is always sacred, but God forbid we add one more to that!

In the light of recent development, I'm going to go out on the limb and call Friday 13th a lucky day.
It's all about attitude anyway.


(Just in case, now I'm protected)

Albert Camus

"I sometimes think of what future historians will say of us. A single sentence will suffice for modern man: he fornicated and read the papers."

am i still in your head?

well, things seem to be moving around all in different directions. I am the only one standing still.
Some things seem like a good idea at the moment, in a certain light..then the next day you wake up and the sun is shining in through the window and you wonder che cazzo, what did I think!?

what is wrong with you, anyway?
You want it?  - Go get it!
It's like there's something in the way. (En nagel i ögat)
what are you going to do about it?

Song of the day AGAIN by Archive. It always comes back to that.

Lately you make me weaker in the knees (como uma forca!)

It's funny to think you never really know what people think of you until they tell you. Most often, your perception of yourself is not in congruence with the one that others have of you.
Recently people have felt the need to tell me who I am, to analyze my personality, for some reason.
I guess I always thought I was difficult to figure out, full of thorns and strange complications.

Someone told me I've built negative and aggressive barriers around myself. That I do not allow new people to enter my life and I don't give people a chance to make a positive impression, because I am expecting the worst.
Another one said I seem to be the kind of person who gets too attached, obsessed and cannot let go of things.
I will leave you these interpretations to think about. I know what I think.

this is me (?)

A wise friend told me something I've been thinking about.
Every man is a new man.
You can never replace someone with another one, because the role that a person plays in your life is unique.
There are no stand-ins or back-up actors.
When I think about the men that have, for various periods of time, played some roles in my life- this becomes increasingly clear. And again, I cannot help wondering about the role I have played in their existence.

people come and go and some disappear like snowflakes, melting away on the ground or on your warm skin.
I know it's how life goes, but it really disturbs me how easy it is for some people.
To walk in and out of somebody's story. Pick it up, put it down.

I want to make everything count.
Every second of my eyes meeting yours.
i want everything to be REAL.

pieces of moi

Some days ...

Some days I feel like there really are no limits to the things I could achieve. Lately this is the general feeling, which kind of scares me, because usually this is not a recurring feeling. (which means the fall is gonna be hard)
Right now there are so many things that are in fact within my reach and though they may seem unlikely to come true, I really do that this might not be the case. Dreams may come true and I might find myself working at the embassy of Ciudad de Mexico or speaking Arabic in Amman in just a few months.

The worst thing is when you find perfect things and you cannot make them happen right away. There is always the application process, the selection procedure and then the waiting. Oh the waiting!
Young leader visitors in Morocco this May?


on a completely unrelated note.
Now I am looking for you, or anyone like you.

maybe it is written

Denial is a powerful tool, as are transference, projection and make-believe indifference. They've all worked out pretty well lately and I was just starting to think that things really do change with an alteration of perspective; a new attitude.

But the danger or coping mechanisms is that, sooner or later, they will crumble and all you've got left are real feelings. Raw emotions that hit your straight in the face. See, the mechanisms are sometimes so effective that they hide you from yourself.

This time I refuse to be shut down, to bend under the weight of disappointment or false hope. I am embracing the situation in all its imperfections. Everything has two sides. Love is always Love, no matter what kind.

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