Scatterbrainy

me engañaron
una vez más y ahora
me lo hago sola

A lot of people tell me that with me they can be themselves entirely, without restrictions or boundaries. I usually take this as a very nice compliment, but I have reflected upon it and the only plausible conclusion must be that I am so weird that nobody ever has to feel strange in my company; no matter how they behave. I am sure this must be an immense relief for some people who have walked their whole lives in the world of well-behaved, impeccable people who always sit with their knees tight together, and wear black and grey as to not disturb the world with their presence.

I am not like that. I don't think I am controversial, I am just who I am. I believe there's no point in being at all, if you try to be somebody else, or behave like other people want you to behave. No point in wearing a grey sweater just to fit in, when instead you can wear red, orange and green and make the world a little more colorful- a little more happy!
............................................

On an entirely different note; 
No man is an island, entire of itself.
It is interesting the things we do as to not end up alone. How we surround ourselves with things, relationships, emotions so that we don't perish alone at sea. The things we hold on to and that we allow to hold us down. They anchor us, keep us in place, keep us in our place.

Something I've been thinking about is relationships of all kinds. Friendship, lovers, boyfriends & girlfriends.
How do we choose these people that we agree to let inside our lives? And what makes the difference between a lover and a friend? If we look at it from a very pragmatic point of view... friends usually are there for us at all times. They accept us exactly the way we are and they want to protect us from those who try to hurt us. Well, those who hurt us turn out to be, more often or not- the ones we choose for lovers. So what to make of this strange human behavioral pattern?
Are we just destructive, or is the hope of finding that one person that would never hurt you just stronger?
And why don't we just settle for great friends that don't want to judge or change us? Why is it so important to find that other undefinable thing to justify our existence? Is it vanity? Ego-centricity or pure naïvité?

I suppose today should be all about the solstice or Newroz or other such worldy important events, but I am afraid I have no time to concern myself with such issues. So I leave it up to others to talk about that while I rant on about my own business.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I am suffering from some weird psychological defect when it comes to self-discipline. It is something related to perfectionism, yet in a strange kind of opposition to that.
I like to plan things thoroughly, step by step, to achieve perfection. This usually means that when I'm decided to do something I push it all the way and perhaps go a little overboard. However, it also means that if something along the way goes wrong I cannot keep going. Then the flow is broken and there's no way I am getting back on track.
This is an incredibly annoying feature of my personality as it makes me end up in a negative spiral more often than not.

Allow me to provide you with some examples. I decide to start going to the gym. I thus have two possible scenarios ahead of me; I either become a gym-aholic, spending all my free-time at the gym to the extent that I neglect other activities in favor of working out OR I start out going to the gym like the average Jane Doe and once I miss one scheduled session it is all down-hill and in the end I manage to drag my lazy ass to the gym only once a week if I am lucky.
To make sure you follow me, let's take a look at another possibility. I decide to study really really hard. Either I bury myself in studies, stop going to the gym, stop going out and literally MOVE to the library in order to immerge myself in studies OR I begin to be a good student, but then something happens and I fall behind, perhaps miss a class, forget an assignment which inevitably breaks the flow. Next thing I know I am avoiding exercise sessions on purpose, forgetting to buy course literature and being a generally reckless student.

The psychological reasons behind this behavior are hard to explain to a person with normal discipline functions. Something in my head tells me that unless true perfection can be achieved it is not worth the effort. It really is a All or Nothing kind of rationale. I guess I must be truly thankful that I've got a well-functioning metabolism or I would be suffering from enormous obesity....!

..................................................
Cierro los ojos y el alma
Para no ser vulnerable
Para no hundirme en la inmensa
Prolongación del engaño
....................................................

The most interesting thing just struck me. Today is Friday the 13th, a day which for some irrational reason is related to bad luck and random superstition. Usually this is not a very recurring event, but it just so happens that exactly one month ago another Friday 13th brought strange and unexpected events into my life.
Events that lately are resurfacing and causing a certain inner turmoil, albeit of the more positive kind.
I am thinking this whole friday the 13th thing is just misunderstood. Why is 3 a lucky number but 13 is bad luck? The number 12 is always sacred, but God forbid we add one more to that!

In the light of recent development, I'm going to go out on the limb and call Friday 13th a lucky day.
It's all about attitude anyway.


      

(Just in case, now I'm protected)

It's funny to think you never really know what people think of you until they tell you. Most often, your perception of yourself is not in congruence with the one that others have of you.
Recently people have felt the need to tell me who I am, to analyze my personality, for some reason.
I guess I always thought I was difficult to figure out, full of thorns and strange complications.

Someone told me I've built negative and aggressive barriers around myself. That I do not allow new people to enter my life and I don't give people a chance to make a positive impression, because I am expecting the worst.
Another one said I seem to be the kind of person who gets too attached, obsessed and cannot let go of things.
(.....)
I will leave you these interpretations to think about. I know what I think.


this is me (?)

A wise friend told me something I've been thinking about.
Every man is a new man.
You can never replace someone with another one, because the role that a person plays in your life is unique.
There are no stand-ins or back-up actors.
When I think about the men that have, for various periods of time, played some roles in my life- this becomes increasingly clear. And again, I cannot help wondering about the role I have played in their existence.

people come and go and some disappear like snowflakes, melting away on the ground or on your warm skin.
I know it's how life goes, but it really disturbs me how easy it is for some people.
To walk in and out of somebody's story. Pick it up, put it down.

I want to make everything count.
Every second of my eyes meeting yours.
i want everything to be REAL.


pieces of moi