a little bird whispered in my ear.
The inexorable discovery of something you don't want to know.
why does nothing matter as much as this?

Watch out Helen Fielding, here I come!

So, am appearently entering new stage in my life called Dating or something resembling that.
Can no longer afford these long-term weirdo pseudo-affairs with bleak or non-existing future, but must try both my luck and wings instead of being a bitter pessimist.

I soon learned (emphasis on soon, circa day 2) that the appearent simplistic allure of free and unattached dating is much more sophisticated than you are led to think. All these codes and hidden meanings, timeframes, replies...they all send implicit messages whether you know it or not (I clearly don't).
I'm ashamed to admit it, but all those clichés you see in the movies about the adequade number of days to wait before calling someone, or who should make the next move; they are all valid concerns of surprising magnitude.

Well, my main problem is the compulsive need to be sure of something right away in order to strategically plan my course of action. Sadly, life provides no such warrantees and hence my current confusion. I am at loss, yet strangely it feels just fine to be utterly clueless. To be fair, I'm thinking my current behavior would be slightly more appropriate and comprehensive if I were- say 19- but We all know I'm not (and Thank God) and that is another story.
It is the balance that concerns me the most, being a libra. Or maybe that is just a fancier way of saying I like to be in control. I want to know what I am getting into so I can adapt to the situation; if not proactively, then at least by pulling out my weapons. I've got plenty of them and tons of recent experience.

This said, I must admit that it is with a great sense of relief I am writing this. I feel truly liberated from that old gravity keeping me down, and am smelling the roses for the first time in forever.
They say you don't realize the value of what you have until you've lost it.
But I think sometimes you have to let things get lost
so you can see if you were really only holding on to nothing.

emotional dialectics

Is not love really about illusions? Octavio Paz wrote that "a human being is not what he is, but the self he seeks", and everybody seeks for love, don't they? Constantly and incessantly. And to be honest, a relationship is a kind of complement to your own personality; self-validation and something which perfects the image we have of ourselves. Who we want to be usually includes someone who loves who we are.

And this is really where it all goes wrong. Cause the illusion does not end there; it goes on imagining even the personality of the lover. Jeanette Winterson writes "[...] very rarely is the beloved more than a shaping spirit for the lover's dream. The pain is when the dreams change, as they do, as they must."
And Anaïs Nin agrees:
"we are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire; often against reality, against their benefit and always, in the end, a disappointment because it does not fit them".
I know this is old news and I keep talking about the same thing over and over like a senil crazy woman, but now more than ever do I feel the inherent dialectics of being both a cynic and a dreamer.


the (e)scape goat

Something has been on my mind.
I know 'You' are not reading, but I'm writing You.
After all, what are 1st, 2nd and 3rd persons if not just a direction, a target of words?
You are the format of this text, it's not a conscious choice, just the direction it takes.

I can't let you get away so easily.
It is not necessarily that I want you to stay, but I need you to suffer consequences.
Yes, lately life is all about consequences. Had and not had. Imagined and over-stated.

A while ago I was hit by an explosion of consequences, all coming in the same direction; from you to me.
A bomb of junk, something you had been dying to get off your chest.
Residue; stinking baggage and worn-out feelings.
How did it feel afterwards, the weight on your shoulders any lighter? Do you sleep a little better?

I can imagine it.
Months of guilt, anger and regret boiling. Slowly but steady building up inside of you.
Surely it was never meant to be like that, you thought. You are not that kind of person. You do things right.
Others make mistakes, but you work hard, always taking the difficult road. You deserve more.
And this situation in which you found yourself was so..unfair. Yes, that was it.
Thus began the rationalization.
The tricky and messy state of affairs in which you had ended up was not something you had helped create.
It had rather fallen into your lap by no choice of your own.
You had neither initiated nor encouraged anything slightly resembling the eventual outcome. Had you?

One day misery simply knocked on your door.
Along it brought its closest allies: guilt, complexity and pain-in-the ass.
How to deal with them?
Find a scapegoat and blame her. Blame only her; wash your hands clean.
- Talk yourself into it. Believe it, you have to believe it.

Then there's really only one more thing to do.
After you have focused all that resentment, the contempt and frustration on the target..,
Pull the trigger and Shoot.
Cut her off.
Erase. Delete. Game-Over.

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