Scatterbrainy

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Is every relationship in fact a simple, straight forward nexus between two people
until we destroy it with our questions, our desires?
And if so, whose fault is that?
Before organized society, before literature, looong before pop culture..
- was there no need to classify relationships?

The most important things are the most complex
but is that a prerequisite, or just the result?
Meaning; is something important because it is complex?
Or is complexity the consequence of the level of importance?

is it thus a subconscious drive to deliberatly complicate things to create a deeper meaning?
that would be stupidity, as Meaning is the ultimate act of subjectivity.
and as previously agreed, stupidity is painful.
Pardon me, it should be.
Painful.
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Autumn is my favourite time of the year.
Autumn is vanilla tea, Amélie Poulain, big cities and long walks with knitted scarves and gloves.
It is the smell of rain and wet leaves mixed with gasoline and the sound of the city.
heavy-scented incense and lit candles and hot cocoa.

Somehow, this morning I woke up in my feverish state of mind with my head full of memories of European cities, the sound of the coffee machines in Milan,  bohemian cafes in Strasbourg, sunset breezes in Cádiz and fika at Kulturhuset in Stockholm.

now I know that it is not simply that I have an obsession with cities (which I do), but because these places are connected in my mind to certain people that were emotionally tied to me at some point. And mostly because they are no longer tied to me, I spend a lot of time thinking about them.
And the cities come to represent all those lost feelings.

But cities are also fascinating per sé. They are the settings of great love stories; of random meetings of strangers who would have otherwise never met; the stage of thousands of opportunities to be found on street-corners, in cafés and in the dark hours of the night.

Playlist: A Song is a City; Eskimo Joe

My absolute worst quality must be my complete inability to make decisions.
Life is All about Decisions.
If only you did not get emotionally attached to the situations in which you find yourself.
it would be so much easier.
But, sadly enough, attachment means clouded judgement, naivité and stupidity.
Rhyme and reason don't go well together with this thing called subjectivity,
which inevitably arises in every case of emotional attachment.

we keep priding ourselves on being the most developed creatures on earth.
But, really, what we have developed are obstacles
that keep us from reaching our potential.



trivia: redhaired people in Australia are called Orangs, referring to the terracotta-colored monkeys.
Thanks Aussie...

I know it's just lack of strenght and determination that brings me down and
won't let me leave some things behind.
But lately, the rays of hope are starting to make their way
into my hollow, hollow absence of a heart.
I do have determination. and i do know my value.
And it is ridiculous how I am putting myself down because
of nonexistent recognition from somebody else.

what is the point of standing around and hoping to be discovered.
when there is a whole world that I could be discovering instead?
And appreciation to be found, if you know where to look for it.

As a priori determined, Love is an act of sheer selfishness.  We tend to think of it as something humbling, something that creates altruistic beings who sacrifice their own happiness for others. But that is all a cover-up.

Love is about boosting your ego. It's about finding the perfect reflection of you mirrored in the face of somebody else. Love is thus pure narcissism. You fall in love with the constructed image of yourself, as seen by another person.

Of course, they don't write songs about that...

Now, jealousy is allegedly the dark side of love. The black sheep of the romantic family.

But once you realize the origin of love, jealousy is only the next logical step.

Jealousy is to Love what protectionism is to international trade:

Bad for Business, yet inevitable as sometimes it appears to be the only alternative.

I am  not your anchor
so dont hold on
im not the answer, you got me wrong
I am not the savior
to find out who you are
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I have come to terms with the situation at hand.
With coming to terms I refer to reconciliating with conflicting emotions.

You may even say controlling my inner turmoil, just to use one of my favourite expressions.
Controlling has become an obsession. Goes by autopilot by now.
Come close to the entrance and my defense mechanisms kick in right away.
Are you emotional? My irony will cure it.
Feeling weak? I'll make a joke on your expense.
Don't mistake these psychological defects for arrogance.
They're my safety net.

what do you say to taking chances,
what do you say to jumping off the edge?
never know when and if there's solid ground below
a hand to hold, or hell to pay..
- what do you say?

Lately I am becoming increasingly aware of the thousand of small paths that have lead me up to this point.
some are mistakes, failures and just things that were really meant to go another way.
Instead they were brought together in the mixer that is my life
migling with the success, the serendipity and the meaning.
This ever-so-present meaning.

All things are so vulnerable, hanging on to a spiderweb
cautiously claiming their right to be there.
and relationships to the people around us
are really nothing but coincidences, incidents- accidents!
Some are more fortunate than others
but in the end we must acknowledge their magical power
If I had been sick that day I would have never sat down next to her.
Had I not been so upset with someome else I would have never thought to talk to you.
Arriving 3 hours later to a certain destination would have prevented me from ever laying eyes on him.

This is the kind of realization that makes you go crazy.
If all the happy coincidences are really brought about by the failures
does that mean that vice versa is also true?
Will all our good will lead to devastation?

How do people in tropical countries get anything done?
All my mind is capable of focusing on is 1) drinking 2) the heat.THE HEAT! 3) the will to take my clothes off
Now these things can be a problem if you work in an office with a dress-code in which the air condition is not working.
Luckily, mine is a beverage producing company, so drinks are never scarse.
But as for the rest, there is nothing to be done.

Now you might say I shouldnt be so swedish and complain about everything, which probably is true. When do we ever get heat and sunshine up here anyway? It just caught us off guard, that's all. And I dare not hope that we will have time to get used to it....



Seing as being away from my usual habitat seems to have brought me off my usual philosophical rut.
That is probably also due to the heat.
There simply is no energy left to fuel any kind of cerebral activity, let alone sentimentalism or games of the mind.
However, that does not mean I am not still thinking about them.
Just in a more dazed and confused manner of thinking.

yesterday I had a strange flash-back of intense happiness caused by nothing at all.
it was an amazing feeling that was not accompanied by the usual bad after-tasting "but...."
I know people judge me every day, but usually I don't let that get to me
it's first when I am faced with complexion and incomprehension that I take offense




Right now I'm in the middle of a dilemma that is causing me increased mental labor force.
Obviously there is something about me that I am not aware of and others can see.
something that creates confusion, fear or nervosity?
The thought really disturbs me.