Scatterbrainy

The Domino Effect (link) is one of my favourite episodes of Sex and the City.
Of course we only ever like things that we can fit into the frames of our own lives,
but that is just how life works.
........................................

I've been saying how I want to collect something and trying to figure out what.
But it seem- perhaps- I've been collecting things all along.
I collect thoughts, I collect words and wisdom.
Unfortunately I've got nothing to show and mostly it just makes me seem a little weird.

And once again, I am biased.
Collecting the thoughts that I wish I had thought.
The words I would have liked to write.
Perhaps the emotional algebra I wanted to feel.
and feel, sometimes.

I've got boxes filled with notebooks if you care to see.

Something has been on my mind.
I know 'You' are not reading, but I'm writing You.
After all, what are 1st, 2nd and 3rd persons if not just a direction, a target of words?
You are the format of this text, it's not a conscious choice, just the direction it takes.

I can't let you get away so easily.
It is not necessarily that I want you to stay, but I need you to suffer consequences.
Yes, lately life is all about consequences. Had and not had. Imagined and over-stated.

A while ago I was hit by an explosion of consequences, all coming in the same direction; from you to me.
A bomb of junk, something you had been dying to get off your chest.
Residue; stinking baggage and worn-out feelings.
How did it feel afterwards, the weight on your shoulders any lighter? Do you sleep a little better?

I can imagine it.
Months of guilt, anger and regret boiling. Slowly but steady building up inside of you.
Surely it was never meant to be like that, you thought. You are not that kind of person. You do things right.
Others make mistakes, but you work hard, always taking the difficult road. You deserve more.
Right?
And this situation in which you found yourself was so..unfair. Yes, that was it.
Thus began the rationalization.
The tricky and messy state of affairs in which you had ended up was not something you had helped create.
It had rather fallen into your lap by no choice of your own.
You had neither initiated nor encouraged anything slightly resembling the eventual outcome. Had you?
Repress.Denial.Avert!

One day misery simply knocked on your door.
Along it brought its closest allies: guilt, complexity and pain-in-the ass.
How to deal with them?
Find a scapegoat and blame her. Blame only her; wash your hands clean.
- Talk yourself into it. Believe it, you have to believe it.

Then there's really only one more thing to do.
After you have focused all that resentment, the contempt and frustration on the target..,
Pull the trigger and Shoot.
Cut her off.
Erase. Delete. Game-Over.

Just because you feel it, it doesn't mean it's there
but, let's not forget that just because you don't want to feel it
that does not mean it goes away.
What's  done is done and the consequences cannot be erased,
words can be taken back, but not their meaning.
Actions may be denied, but the sensation of a moment remains.

I interpret the world by confusing other people's psychology with my own.
but that does not mean that what I feel is unreal.
What I write is what I am, what I see, what I live.
If that's not real, then what is?

Everyone suffers from their personal illusions
Sometimes you just need someone to point them out
Cause once you hear that |GLASS SHATTERING|
you know you've been living in a daydream.

Castillos en el aire in all their glory, but
There's no smoke without fire.
Someone lit my fire and kept it burning long enough for me to believe it.
Maybe cause he needed the heat.
Maybe because of some personal illusion of his.
Maybe for no reason at all.

I'm trying to get rid of all this smoke
but it has invaded everything, my house, my head, my heart
I keep washing my hair, but the smell won't go away.

It is no surprise that the people you rely on the most
are the ones who can screw you over the easiest.
This is something I should have learnt by now.
-Be aware, and don't get in the way.
Get out, run away.
Dont make eye-contact....

We can keep pretending for the rest of eternity that we never met.
-Convenient enough?

Anyways, I'll risk everything
cause as previously established, I've got nothing to lose.

The end justifies the mean, but what does that really mean?
If I was the mean, what was the end?
Is this the end?

How can you stick to a game, when the rules keep changing?
I shall call myself Alice and play croquet with the flamingos.
In Wonderland everyone cheats, and Love is wonderland,
isn't it?*



* Jeanette Winterson

Today I have been thinking about attitudes;
about life approaches;
and about courage and cowardice.

What are they?
Is cowardice knowing what you should do, without the strenght to do it?
Is it then connected to the concept of right and wrong?
Or, is courage the ability to follow your instincts, even when you think you should not?
Does the outcome define the concept?
Is it all about selfishness versus altruism?

Courage=altruism
Cowardice=selfishness
???

if being a coward causes you more disturbance
how is that the easiest way out?
And why should you be strong
if it will only lead you further onto the road of despair?



Definite.disturbance.destructive.deconstruction.Deliberatively.
all the best words start with D.