semi-existentialism
If you just stole bits and pieces along the way and here you are?
But what does that really mean?
Can they come back to claim them?
Leaving nothing behind but an incompleted jigsaw....
Hanky Panky Ban Ki
The Secretary-General's visit to the Vienna International Centre on its 30th Anniversary.
Balloons and anniversary-mugs, free cake and general Banki-craze.
Lunchbreaks consisting mainly of cracking the best joke about Ban Ki-Moon
and especially focusing on each and every UN interns imaginary personal relationship with him.
Most people have been preparing for a long time to be fresh and energetic for this important day.
Me, of course I woke up this morning feeling not so fresh after (very) Happy Hour at [Q:] yesterday.
Free Drinks between 20-22 for everybody.
As it happened, I got stood up by my previously mentioned Italian collegue
and had to go all the way to Museums Quartier to meet him for another drink (my 3rd).
However,
a tired head and dry throat did not stop me from taking part in the festivity of the day
and the anniversary-spirit by endulging in a free glass of red wine for lunch.
- I did it for you, Ban Ki!
VIC newsflash 1
So, my office is at the far end of a corridor, which inevitably means the toilet is pretty far away.
For those of you who know me, I go to the toilet quite frequently...
So you can imagine my joy when I during my first week here
suddenly discovered a hidden bathroom just a couple of metres away.
Have ever since been using that one, but one day my collegue M. was in there
and witnessed what seemed to be a scheduled romantic session,
which she accidentally interrupted.
The next day I came to work only to find the bathroom door decorated with a sign:
"For exclusive use of the Office of the Director"
I was bummed, but figured that's how it is when you are an intern. Lowest of the low.
Now, my office companion is Italian and is slightly more outspoken than myself..
So, he puts up a post-it on top of the sign:
"What about the interns? Can we use a basket instead?"
and puts his phonenumber on it
we are still waiting for the call.....
Today.
I always forget to forget you.
Are you where you wanted to be? Did you get there easily?
I know it's just lack of strenght and determination that brings me down and
won't let me leave some things behind.
But lately, the rays of hope are starting to make their way
into my hollow, hollow absence of a heart.
I do have determination. and i do know my value.
And it is ridiculous how I am putting myself down because
of nonexistent recognition from somebody else.
what is the point of standing around and hoping to be discovered.
when there is a whole world that I could be discovering instead?
And appreciation to be found, if you know where to look for it.
surrealism.
can't you see me standing here waiting in line,
for you;
dont you see me standing here,
won't you tell me what it is I'm waiting to find/
words can only take you so far. the rest is magic. invisible fragments of meaning swirling around.
and I am at loss.
without words I cannot function.
in this pond of uncertainty, how does one proceed exactly?
the sad part is that even when you realize that nothing is what you thought,
that red is actually blue
and what you once refused to believe, only to later convince yourself about..
..proved to be all wrong in the end.
it is as if that synapse your brain created refuses to shut down,
it keeps replaying your same emotions over and over.
idiocy.
folly.
hope.
disappointment (for a brief second)
- Amnesia -------> Back to START.
before sunrise
Love at first sight? am not sure that there is such a thing.
But I think I am starting to believe in friendship at first sight.
These last two weeks have been intense and dramatic in a way,
yet the beginning of a great friendship.
As established, you don't miss places, you miss people.
And even when your people are scattered around the globe,
you still know they are there.
...
soul-mates are to be found everywhere
when you least expect it.
afternoon contemplation
It is interesting how working in a place like this sort of produces the pressure to be MORE of an activist, an intellectual, a supermensch than you actually are. Today we went down for lunch at the restaurant as usual and suddenly this huge conversation about the introduction and development of the Indian Caste System blew up.
Something else worth noting is how extremely plain this place makes me feel.
Everybody I meet have at least 2 countries of origin, if not more. intercultural weddings,
oversea love-stories and what not!
Hey, I am Sophia. Born and raised in Sweden. Both parents Swedish. Currently living in Sweden.
University degree from the Swedish University of Lund.
- somebody throw me some international DNA? I am definitely going to get a more pluralistic baby.
In a completely non-human-trafficking sort of way.......
Are you mine?Not just when you want to be, but all of the time?
//Her eyes they know too much
She'll treat ya like somebody but you just cant touch
His smile aint seen the light of day
Exchanged it for some treasures somewhere along the way
Maybe the stars will align so they can sail on together
Maybe he'll steal her life
and she'll take his heart
and his favorite sweater
Shes a gypsy
Hes a pirate on the run.//
United Collegues Against the Spread of Swineflu
Today it is all about the swine flu.
When my intern collegue did not show up for work I did not think that much about it.
But at 11 o clock she asked me to come over and I found her halfway there in the corridor,
telling me that this morning she had awoken as the ambulance staff came to bring her room mate to the hospital because of a suspected case of the swineflu.
Having checked with the doctors here at the VIC, she is fine and not in the danger zone, and so is probably her paranoid room mate. Would like to see the social system that can handle an entire population calling an ambulance because they have a fever...
Anyway, it is really interesting to see people's reactions when this topic comes up.
My collegue practically got kicked out of her office because the rest of the people in there did not want to get infected.
So now she's keeping me company, since I am by myself this week anyhow.
Just a couple of minutes ago we were down in the cafeteria and told another pair of friends about the story,
just to have them run away from us, yelling that we should talk later.
- social paria!
- corporate paranoia!
chocolate+wine= reminiscing
Just got to thinking.
Sometimes we tend to make decisions concerning the people around us;
prioritize them and put some before others because we think they are best for us.
Or perhaps we want something particular out of that relationship or its easier,
a better match or more conveniant even.
And most of the time we don't find out what we are missing, because those people
that we leave behind or almost forget about... well they have no real impact on our lives.
But sometimes they hang on to you and claim there place in your life
and suddenly you realize what a terrible mistake you did.
Recently this has happened to me a few times and it has become shockingly obvious
what a bad judgement I have when it comes to choosing people.
...............
Now I can't help thinking how different it all would have been
had I only set my prorities right from the beginning last year.
I know I am contradicting myself now
(but I contain multitudes)
as only recently I was endorsing all the minor coincidences and mistakes
that lead to happy endings.
Perhaps I must simply go through all possible theories to find my own belief.
Psychological theories are a lot like horoscopes anyway.
You want them to fit, you make them fit.
But what do you really believe?
I missed my chance, I misinterpreted the meaning
I was impatient, I was selfish and sometimes I was right
but mostly, I was evil and I did something wrong
consciously. Mercilessly.
But I was forgiven, and slightly forgotten.
I know somehow it shaped the last year and all the following events
Yet it is only now that I really feel the absence.
And the mistake that I made that October Night.
day to day concerns such as dating, masculinity, OH, and saving the world
A productive day here at the headquarters included informative sessions about collegues love-life and moral conduct as well as the level of sexiness of the Swedish language.
Working at the UN is definitely a lot more relaxed than I expected... :)
Flip it.
- hands up!
Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain
And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in
Your veins,
Love come quickly
Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
Love come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin
Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They're morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that Hallmark cards are true
I really do
I'm gunning down romance
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy
Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
I'm gunning down romance
futility and vanity
And I am wondering if I have not been fighting one in vain for much too long.
You can only push so much, sometime things have to come on their own.
But letting go, leaving alone is so much harder than keep on fighting.
and of course I like the fight much more than the victory
fighting is something I can handle.
what comes after is much harder.
giving up is just not that much of an option in my world.
qu'importe un peu de nuit et de souffrance?
rinse!
after quiet contemplation, active obeservation and engaging interaction there are many things going on in my mind.
According to Milan Kundera there are four types of people, but lately I am beginning to wonder if there aren't just two.
Those who care and those who don't.
Care about anything, anyone, the meaning of life, about making the most of everything.
The other half is a plastic group set on autopilot, with no questions and no concerns.
I think it's time I started my own personal ETHICAL cleansing.
Coelho of the Day
It is important to take risks.
Only when we let the unexpected happen can we understand the miracle of life.
Every day God gives us a moment,
when it is possible to change all that makes us unhappy.
Every day we try to pretend that we do not notice this moment,
that it does not exist, that today is just like yesterday
and that tomorrow will be likewise.
But those who are attentive to their days will discover the magic moment.
moments from Vienna
Bbq with the UN interns at Ölhafen
Hofburg & Spanish Hofreitschule
Rathausplatz, Outside Film Festival
At the Albertina
Charaf outside the Parliament
had a bad day?
I really do have a problem with opportunistic people and I have a very low tolerance level of lack of respect.
As for attention, support and general interest- these are key ingredients in any relationship between two people
and no external factors can justly be used as excuses for not upholding them.
At least not in my world.
If you are committed, you commit. If you arent, then don't waste my time.
additionally; don't come asking for my friendship when you realize you miss it a little bit.
in the end, as always, you get what you give.
sunshine on my window
sitting here with fresh pot of peppermint tea in the sunshine, listening to Miguel Bosé and life is pretty good.
thousands of spots are waiting for me and my camera today, though.
Must be going!
on à toujour une geste qui trahit que l'on est
If he broke her, where would the pieces fly???
.........
This is the danger.
The overwhelming sense of doom, of the ever-present and constantly approaching downfall.
The fall-out. The inescapable failure. ZEMBLANITY.
Once you realize that zemblanity is the only road that you can go down, it is time to let it go.
Give it up, set it free.
Why limit your dreams to something that is destined to make your life miserable.
Out of a thousand possible opportunities, you set your eyes on the one that is out of your reach?
It's not even the best choice- you just happened to make it.
and you got stuck.
Better things are coming.
appreciation, understanding and chances are just around the corner.
And YES, I will pretend I am amazing
until people realize what I am all about.
There will be no pieces of me flying about.
(SOIT!)
internship, day 1
I figured I could make room for some real living in this blog and not always be so theoretical and cryptical.
I have officially arrived, safe and sound, to Vienna. I now reside at Gentzgasse in the 18th district.
Have already had a very nice first night of new impressions and discussions including german accents, Italian Mafia, cooking skills and politics. I am envisaging l'auberge espagnol but in a more mature version.
I am liking my new crib!
Am off to sleep, as to not get late to my first day at the UN office of Drugs and Crime.
I am OFF early tomorrow morning to the UN-city, situated on its own little island on the Danube.
What does one wear on these occasions?
Nude
now that you found it
- it's gone
now that you feel it
- you don't.
The Pretender
So, today, let's talk about Denial.
Denial has cousins called repression and rationalising. But he is the fiercest of the crowd.
Far more powerful and determined to leave no trace of what he is trying to hide.
He looks you in the eye saying:
"Can you pretend I'm amazing? I can pretend I'm amazing."
and you play along every time. You forget that you are pretending.
He becomes amazing.
Denial is a lot like nostalgia. He has the power to make all the bad things, the faults, the wrongs; fade away.
And all becomes illuminated in the light of the past.
All that is left are crumbles of truth.
Scattered all over the floor.
You've got no chance to put them back together correctly.
You've got no choice but to trust him.
- So, have I found your secret weak spot, baby?
Close the soul
..para no ser vulnerable
para no hundirme en la inmensa
prolungación del engaño.
/.../
winterson wisdom
I have found that I am not a space where people want to live,
at least not without decorating a little first.
And that is the stubbornness in me.
I do not want to be someone's little home.
....
- or Do I?
