Scatterbrainy

Tomorrow morning I'll slip out of my apartment and out of this city,

get on a plane, unpack my things, untangle my mind and continue my life somewhere else.

Every little mundane landmark that I have conquered will be left behind and

I will no longer be there to recognize the way their unimportance holds the world in place.

Tomorrow I will be one of those people who once passed through,

through a city in which everybody is transient, a sort of collective pile of lost & found.

I’ll be “Yeah, I think I remember her, she was kinda cool- just here for a while though”.

This will not be my city, and I won’t be living in Brussels anymore.

A few months in, I tried the Brussels-is-a-dress-that-looks-good-on-me metaphor on for size.

It was comfortable, like the colourful, flared pants I can't stop buying at thrift shops.

Generous and surprising, much like Brussels, they leave enough space for my personality. 

I am scared that the parts of me which were made here might be lost with the city.

That I am too fluid to retain any real structure and that after learning for the first time to put down roots,

my limbs won’t know what to do with themselves.

I am scared that the person I have become here will be all wrong there.

That I’ve carved myself around this city with all its imperfections, quirks and undeniable if difficult charm,

and that these concessions will be too revealing for somewhere else.

Why does this disturb me so much?

The stories we tell become who we are,

and I've been calling myself rootless for as long as I can remember.

Cities, jobs and lives were blissfully interchangeable and I was always on the verge of something wonderful.

Living in units of time allows you to stay permanently detached.

Compartmentalizing life prevents you from being held back by the messiness of reality.

Perhaps I once reached for a word to describe an emotion and grabbed the wrong one.

Clinging to it for dear life, using it as a life-vest and not noticing it's full of holes.

And if I have to choose a new one,

what would it be?