Scatterbrainy

and I keep thinking
of all those times when I guarded my heart with iron walls,
justifying it as compensation for the times
when I left it out in the cold.
Alone. Defenseless.

And I think of how it is all ruined,
how weapons nurture violence
-even emotional weapons.
Even mine.

And so if one of those times
instead of fighting back, I had reached out for his hand.
And given up honestly instead of giving in secretly.

Would that have made it all new again?