Scatterbrainy

As a priori determined, Love is an act of sheer selfishness.  We tend to think of it as something humbling, something that creates altruistic beings who sacrifice their own happiness for others. But that is all a cover-up.

Love is about boosting your ego. It's about finding the perfect reflection of you mirrored in the face of somebody else. Love is thus pure narcissism. You fall in love with the constructed image of yourself, as seen by another person.

Of course, they don't write songs about that...

Now, jealousy is allegedly the dark side of love. The black sheep of the romantic family.

But once you realize the origin of love, jealousy is only the next logical step.

Jealousy is to Love what protectionism is to international trade:

Bad for Business, yet inevitable as sometimes it appears to be the only alternative.

I am  not your anchor
so dont hold on
im not the answer, you got me wrong
I am not the savior
to find out who you are
............................

I have come to terms with the situation at hand.
With coming to terms I refer to reconciliating with conflicting emotions.

You may even say controlling my inner turmoil, just to use one of my favourite expressions.
Controlling has become an obsession. Goes by autopilot by now.
Come close to the entrance and my defense mechanisms kick in right away.
Are you emotional? My irony will cure it.
Feeling weak? I'll make a joke on your expense.
Don't mistake these psychological defects for arrogance.
They're my safety net.

what do you say to taking chances,
what do you say to jumping off the edge?
never know when and if there's solid ground below
a hand to hold, or hell to pay..
- what do you say?

Lately I am becoming increasingly aware of the thousand of small paths that have lead me up to this point.
some are mistakes, failures and just things that were really meant to go another way.
Instead they were brought together in the mixer that is my life
migling with the success, the serendipity and the meaning.
This ever-so-present meaning.

All things are so vulnerable, hanging on to a spiderweb
cautiously claiming their right to be there.
and relationships to the people around us
are really nothing but coincidences, incidents- accidents!
Some are more fortunate than others
but in the end we must acknowledge their magical power
If I had been sick that day I would have never sat down next to her.
Had I not been so upset with someome else I would have never thought to talk to you.
Arriving 3 hours later to a certain destination would have prevented me from ever laying eyes on him.

This is the kind of realization that makes you go crazy.
If all the happy coincidences are really brought about by the failures
does that mean that vice versa is also true?
Will all our good will lead to devastation?

Death Cab For Cutie reminds me of other times.
Other obsessions.
Same, same.

Just a few days ago a clever friend told me that it really is true that the minute you stop trying;
things just fall into places, what you were waiting for will come to you.
I must admit, I don't really fave faith in these kind of sayings
repeated ad infinitum until they no longer require motivation.
(it's just like that. - why?? - it always has been)
But today something did sort of fall right into my lap
that I had long since discarded even as a blueprint.

does this apply to all areas of life?
Cause God knows some things are easier to giveup on
than others...

acceptance.

when something is missing and you can't quite pinpoint it.
It is usually acceptance.
See, very often we do know deep down what things are like.
be they feelings, situations or reactions.
We just don't want to accept them.
- or worse- we simply cannot.

but sometimes the only way is to realize that things can't be pushed.
everything cannot be changed or triggered
we must accept them for the way they are.

This is what I mean with turning your Nowhere into Somewhere
even if I was not the one to write it first.
Jeanette Winterson may have had something different in mind all together
but I am sure she would agree that there is nothing
except for subjective interpretation.

the place where you are may not be the one you intended or originally whished for,
so you must see it for what it is and find out what you can do with it.
Use the essence and create something different.
If you can't get the whole cake,
- make sure you get a good bite out of it.

(...)suddenly he realized that all his life he had done nothing but talk, write, conoct sentences, search for formulations and amend them so that in the end no words were precise, their meanings were obliterated, their content lost, they turned into trash, chaff, dust, sand; prowling through his brain, tearing at his head, they were his insomnia, his illness (..)

How do people in tropical countries get anything done?
All my mind is capable of focusing on is 1) drinking 2) the heat.THE HEAT! 3) the will to take my clothes off
Now these things can be a problem if you work in an office with a dress-code in which the air condition is not working.
Luckily, mine is a beverage producing company, so drinks are never scarse.
But as for the rest, there is nothing to be done.

Now you might say I shouldnt be so swedish and complain about everything, which probably is true. When do we ever get heat and sunshine up here anyway? It just caught us off guard, that's all. And I dare not hope that we will have time to get used to it....



Seing as being away from my usual habitat seems to have brought me off my usual philosophical rut.
That is probably also due to the heat.
There simply is no energy left to fuel any kind of cerebral activity, let alone sentimentalism or games of the mind.
However, that does not mean I am not still thinking about them.
Just in a more dazed and confused manner of thinking.